Working Mom Does NOT Equal Ambitious Mom
I went to one of those all women's colleges on the East Coast. Seriously, my mom made me go. She thought that it would make me more lady-like. Don't ask. Korean immigrant moms especially in the 70s-80s era have some wacky notions. ANYWAY....I had this Spanish professor who was chair of the department, taught a full schedule and had twin school age boys who played soccer that she actually went to their games. And it dawned on me. She's one of those mythical Super Women! And when this hit me, I started to feel this incredible pressure....Am I supposed to be a Super Woman too? I go to this fancy school of all women; we are supposed to be smart and successful according to our pedigree (meaning my alma mater). Ahhh....the pressure!
Actually, I dismissed it. I'm not really the kind of person who falls victim to outside influence to drive my needs and desires. (Only slightly dishonest in that I take feedback well and try to incorporate it but I don't think of that as nebulous "outside influence".) Anyway, I've always wanted to grow up to be content. And as an angst driven teen, that seemed like it would be hard enough to achieve without all this Super Woman stuff thrown on top. Keep your eye on the goal! The Goal: BE HAPPY!
It's surprising how hard it is to be happy for some people. For me the biggest revelation was this whole "learn your boundaries" thing that I credit my therapist with after my divorce. And it didn't have to do with my ex-husband. It had to do with my family. Once I learned that I needed to take care of me first and let my immigrant parents be adults and my younger sister be an adult, I really became more happy and stable. And less frustrated! Yes, I paid someone to teach me to let go of the sheer frustration of not being able to influence change in anything I wanted.
OK, so where am I going with this? Once you have children, there is this whole work or stay-at-home thing that I put in the bucket of "outside influence". There are books and magazine articles and social pressure in BOTH directions. It's insane. And what do I do? I dismiss it. I figure I have enough of the BE HAPPY goal to work on that who cares if I work or stay-at-home. My kids aren't going to grow up to be happy if I don't know set some kind of example.
I work (and it's voluntary in that we could financially figure things out so that I don't have to work). I'm a Tech Lead or a Senior Software Engineer. Sounds fancy, right? Well, here's the thing. I don't want to be more (or less). I have the job, title and position that I think I'm best suited for. I have no aspirations to manage; I don't want to change into a different role like going into Product or Project Management. I want status quo. Well, isn't that the same as having no ambition? Sure I work but I don't have any career goals (other than to not quit my job when the work environment frustrates me). So I don't think being a working mom means that you have ambition. Maybe for some but definitely NOT for me.
If I have any ambition, it would be that I have the desire and ambition to be a better house keeper and enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Boy, I have these thought experiments about keeping a tidy house, cooking dinner every night, planting flower beds, and taking my children to classes and playdates and whatever else the hip-suburban-SAHM crowd does. Heck, I'd love to be a hip-anything-mom. *grin* But these aren't really thought experiments. They are imaginings of someone else's life, not mine.
I don't even work for identity (as some sociologists might speculate). I work like I watch TV, because I like it and find it entertaining to do so.
So you moms out there: Don't let anyone pressure you or call you names! Selfish if you work; unambitious if you stay at home. It's a load of crap....err, poop! You've heard it all before. Women have been hearing this sort of judgmental "studies have shown" stuff forever! Bottom line is that if you are looking for a justification for your life choices, how about just plain "It makes me happy to live just like this."
Actually, I dismissed it. I'm not really the kind of person who falls victim to outside influence to drive my needs and desires. (Only slightly dishonest in that I take feedback well and try to incorporate it but I don't think of that as nebulous "outside influence".) Anyway, I've always wanted to grow up to be content. And as an angst driven teen, that seemed like it would be hard enough to achieve without all this Super Woman stuff thrown on top. Keep your eye on the goal! The Goal: BE HAPPY!
It's surprising how hard it is to be happy for some people. For me the biggest revelation was this whole "learn your boundaries" thing that I credit my therapist with after my divorce. And it didn't have to do with my ex-husband. It had to do with my family. Once I learned that I needed to take care of me first and let my immigrant parents be adults and my younger sister be an adult, I really became more happy and stable. And less frustrated! Yes, I paid someone to teach me to let go of the sheer frustration of not being able to influence change in anything I wanted.
OK, so where am I going with this? Once you have children, there is this whole work or stay-at-home thing that I put in the bucket of "outside influence". There are books and magazine articles and social pressure in BOTH directions. It's insane. And what do I do? I dismiss it. I figure I have enough of the BE HAPPY goal to work on that who cares if I work or stay-at-home. My kids aren't going to grow up to be happy if I don't know set some kind of example.
I work (and it's voluntary in that we could financially figure things out so that I don't have to work). I'm a Tech Lead or a Senior Software Engineer. Sounds fancy, right? Well, here's the thing. I don't want to be more (or less). I have the job, title and position that I think I'm best suited for. I have no aspirations to manage; I don't want to change into a different role like going into Product or Project Management. I want status quo. Well, isn't that the same as having no ambition? Sure I work but I don't have any career goals (other than to not quit my job when the work environment frustrates me). So I don't think being a working mom means that you have ambition. Maybe for some but definitely NOT for me.
If I have any ambition, it would be that I have the desire and ambition to be a better house keeper and enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Boy, I have these thought experiments about keeping a tidy house, cooking dinner every night, planting flower beds, and taking my children to classes and playdates and whatever else the hip-suburban-SAHM crowd does. Heck, I'd love to be a hip-anything-mom. *grin* But these aren't really thought experiments. They are imaginings of someone else's life, not mine.
I don't even work for identity (as some sociologists might speculate). I work like I watch TV, because I like it and find it entertaining to do so.
So you moms out there: Don't let anyone pressure you or call you names! Selfish if you work; unambitious if you stay at home. It's a load of crap....err, poop! You've heard it all before. Women have been hearing this sort of judgmental "studies have shown" stuff forever! Bottom line is that if you are looking for a justification for your life choices, how about just plain "It makes me happy to live just like this."
posted by Mommy Coder at
6:02 AM
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