Husband Credits
I love my husband. I actually admire him quite a bit. And I love him a whole lot. He's a great father. He helps me everyday with the little things and the big things. I wouldn't have this life, this wonderful happy life, without him.
I'm actually uncomfortable gushing about him. I have a friend who is so very good about praising her husband and children. And part of me feels like "Wow! How can that marriage be real?" Where are the warts? But I'm sure they are there. But when you sit down and start to really think about what you are going to write, you don't think about the crap. You reflect upon the good or the emotional, the inspiring moments and thoughts. Observer effecting the phenomena.
Top Five Major Good Things That I Credit My Huband With:
1. Our family. It's true that your love your children more than anything you can imagine. So my son and the son I'm about to bring into the world. Not to mention my little dog whom I love but never would have without my husband.
2. My divorce. Long before I married current my husband, he was a good friend who wasn't afraid to make me see that my first marriage wasn't right. Actually, I'm convinced that anyone who knew me well and loved me could see that I wasn't happy. But my first husband was/is a saint and I constantly felt overshadowed and inadequate. And he didn't help. I think in his own way, he was happy to be in a marriage where he was worshiped and it was OK for the wifey to be not-good-enough. I was too afraid to get out of my relationship with my first husband. Once you feel insecure or not-good-enough, you are sealing your fate. Ladies, do NOT ever convince yourself that you aren't good enough for love, reciprocation, happiness. You ARE deserving and if you are with someone who makes you feel "not worthy", GET OUT of that trap! No matter how hard it is to do, you'll never find happiness by staying it in!
3. Our marriage. Oh yeah, my current marriage has plenty of warts. Soon after my divorce I read The Good Marriage. This put my first marriage into perspective. More importantly, it helped me identify what kind of marriage was the right for me. I was able to figure out that the role in a marriage I felt most comfortable in was a traditional one. Call me old fashion but between my husband and I, we have pretty traditional man-woman split of responsibilities and strengths. After having a baby, the biological aspects of this were just further reenforced. The fact that my husband is comfortable being "The Man" of the house and he's comfortable having a wife that is ok with the traditional role and STILL wants to have a career and he doesn't feel threatened by my success or by my strengths is HUGE.
4. My career. My husband is also a software engineer. And not only is he good, he's got incredible business savy. His business accumen makes him so valueable on top of the technical strengths and leadership. With his coaching, my career has really taken off. I went from a severely underpaid and under valued individual contributor position to one of leadership (without formally managing) in a company that really values me. My husband actually assessed my current company before I interviewed there and what's funny is that they would love to have him.
5. My happiness. Basically, my husband has convinced me that not only can I be happy, I deserve it and he encourages me to live and do things to make me happy. I'm always complaining that my husband is selfish. But he's trying (and with some success) to convince me to be more selfish and less selfless. Less martyrdom, less soccer mom, less volunteer to go out of my way. This coaching came at a good time since having a baby really effects how thin I can spread myself. The happiness comes from not feel guilty or like a bad person when I put myself first, put myself or my family's needs first. I think I'm a better mom for this. And I'm happy almost all of the time. I'm actually also in love with my husband and my child and my dog. And I owe all this to my husband.
6. Our future. OK there is one more I need to sneak in here. I used to think that I would be dead before I was 20. Yes, I was a morbid teen. Anyway, after 20, I sort of lived in this world where my first husband was the only real focus in my life and I think I spent all of my time thinking and obsessing about him and my relationship with him. I'm not saying this was his fault; it was my own doing because I didn't have anything inside of myself to put me first. Anyway, I lived this life for almost 10 years. It wasn't until I started to study computer science at Berkeley did I figure out that I had a passion for doing something. Unfortunately, my first husband wasn't used to the competition for my attention. Or even weirder, he would say things like my earning potential was higher than his and that he would follow me wherever I wanted to go. Now I know all these things sound supportive. But remember, I'm most comfortable in a traditional role where I am not the driving factor. So this extreme was exactly the opposite of comforting, it was TERRIFYING! And sort of selfish in that it was all on me and I had to be the leader. But my current husband, he's got a vision, a plan. He sees what he wants his future to be and I'm happy to participate and contribute. For example, we have a house. I never wanted to have a house. And a child with another on the way. I was never really sure that I wanted children but my current has ALWAYS wanted a family. Sometimes, I don't know what I want and my life has shown me that I don't always know what is good for me or what makes me happy. But my husband is so confident and truly strong. And I lean on him for support and vision. And together we've come up with a good life and a good life plan.
There is so much more that I credit my husband for. But I've rambled enough for one night.
I'm actually uncomfortable gushing about him. I have a friend who is so very good about praising her husband and children. And part of me feels like "Wow! How can that marriage be real?" Where are the warts? But I'm sure they are there. But when you sit down and start to really think about what you are going to write, you don't think about the crap. You reflect upon the good or the emotional, the inspiring moments and thoughts. Observer effecting the phenomena.
Top Five Major Good Things That I Credit My Huband With:
1. Our family. It's true that your love your children more than anything you can imagine. So my son and the son I'm about to bring into the world. Not to mention my little dog whom I love but never would have without my husband.
2. My divorce. Long before I married current my husband, he was a good friend who wasn't afraid to make me see that my first marriage wasn't right. Actually, I'm convinced that anyone who knew me well and loved me could see that I wasn't happy. But my first husband was/is a saint and I constantly felt overshadowed and inadequate. And he didn't help. I think in his own way, he was happy to be in a marriage where he was worshiped and it was OK for the wifey to be not-good-enough. I was too afraid to get out of my relationship with my first husband. Once you feel insecure or not-good-enough, you are sealing your fate. Ladies, do NOT ever convince yourself that you aren't good enough for love, reciprocation, happiness. You ARE deserving and if you are with someone who makes you feel "not worthy", GET OUT of that trap! No matter how hard it is to do, you'll never find happiness by staying it in!
3. Our marriage. Oh yeah, my current marriage has plenty of warts. Soon after my divorce I read The Good Marriage. This put my first marriage into perspective. More importantly, it helped me identify what kind of marriage was the right for me. I was able to figure out that the role in a marriage I felt most comfortable in was a traditional one. Call me old fashion but between my husband and I, we have pretty traditional man-woman split of responsibilities and strengths. After having a baby, the biological aspects of this were just further reenforced. The fact that my husband is comfortable being "The Man" of the house and he's comfortable having a wife that is ok with the traditional role and STILL wants to have a career and he doesn't feel threatened by my success or by my strengths is HUGE.
4. My career. My husband is also a software engineer. And not only is he good, he's got incredible business savy. His business accumen makes him so valueable on top of the technical strengths and leadership. With his coaching, my career has really taken off. I went from a severely underpaid and under valued individual contributor position to one of leadership (without formally managing) in a company that really values me. My husband actually assessed my current company before I interviewed there and what's funny is that they would love to have him.
5. My happiness. Basically, my husband has convinced me that not only can I be happy, I deserve it and he encourages me to live and do things to make me happy. I'm always complaining that my husband is selfish. But he's trying (and with some success) to convince me to be more selfish and less selfless. Less martyrdom, less soccer mom, less volunteer to go out of my way. This coaching came at a good time since having a baby really effects how thin I can spread myself. The happiness comes from not feel guilty or like a bad person when I put myself first, put myself or my family's needs first. I think I'm a better mom for this. And I'm happy almost all of the time. I'm actually also in love with my husband and my child and my dog. And I owe all this to my husband.
6. Our future. OK there is one more I need to sneak in here. I used to think that I would be dead before I was 20. Yes, I was a morbid teen. Anyway, after 20, I sort of lived in this world where my first husband was the only real focus in my life and I think I spent all of my time thinking and obsessing about him and my relationship with him. I'm not saying this was his fault; it was my own doing because I didn't have anything inside of myself to put me first. Anyway, I lived this life for almost 10 years. It wasn't until I started to study computer science at Berkeley did I figure out that I had a passion for doing something. Unfortunately, my first husband wasn't used to the competition for my attention. Or even weirder, he would say things like my earning potential was higher than his and that he would follow me wherever I wanted to go. Now I know all these things sound supportive. But remember, I'm most comfortable in a traditional role where I am not the driving factor. So this extreme was exactly the opposite of comforting, it was TERRIFYING! And sort of selfish in that it was all on me and I had to be the leader. But my current husband, he's got a vision, a plan. He sees what he wants his future to be and I'm happy to participate and contribute. For example, we have a house. I never wanted to have a house. And a child with another on the way. I was never really sure that I wanted children but my current has ALWAYS wanted a family. Sometimes, I don't know what I want and my life has shown me that I don't always know what is good for me or what makes me happy. But my husband is so confident and truly strong. And I lean on him for support and vision. And together we've come up with a good life and a good life plan.
There is so much more that I credit my husband for. But I've rambled enough for one night.
posted by Mommy Coder at
3:54 AM
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