Fear and Loathing (OK just Loathing)
After taking 2 days off of work (well, more like 4 since coders work weekends), I'm back in the swing of things. And I can't decide if I hate it. Oh, I like the code part. It's the other stuff that comes with being an engineer/lead that sort of make me nuts. Like the politics of work life, communicating and setting expectations, clarifying things that are built in the code but folks tend to forget, etc. It all boils down to, coders like to code but being a software engineer is so much more than the code. It doesn't have to be but it is for me.
I have this thing called a career. And most of the time, I wish I was just a heads down individual contributor who was told what to do and I would just get to decide how to do it and just get it done. But I spend a lot of my day wrangling with intra-team dependencies, setting expectations and trying to coordinate with others. And because I don't love it, I'll NEVER be a manager. I would rather shoot myself in the head than be a manager. Career limiting as it is, I'd rather stare blankly at my emacs screen than devote my entire day to meetings and email. Though lets face it, I spend most of my days in meetings and email correspondence. Geez! When did my life turn into this?
I finally told my teammates and coworkers that I'm expecting another baby (boy) this coming May/June. And like a typical bunch of engineers, they could care less. Meaning, I work mainly with men and though they may or may not have kids, a coworker taking time off to have a baby is like a "vacation" notice rather than a life changing event. One young man got up enough guts to ask me if having a baby effects my mental faculties. I told him "Yes, it's called mommy-brain. I can't remember anything which is why I wiki everything." Typical mommy thing to do, turn an innocent question into an opportunity to lecture. I loath myself.
I have more loathing. I recently took some time off because my MIL was visiting. And like a typical son of a nagging mother, my husband hid behind his computer and claimed he had a pressing deadline. (This is true of course but I still want to paint the unfair picture anyway. ha-ha) Anyway, the loathing part is that I think I'm supposed to like my MIL. And we survived the visit better than fine. I didn't lose it until we were driving home from the airport. But I totally LOST IT big time in the car trip home. My husband made some comment about how it hurt him that I snorted "Yeah, it is YOUR mother after all." I sort of lost it. I didn't want to play fair, I didn't want to be the bigger person, I didn't want to take the high road. I wanted to be a screaming pouting teenager who hates all authority figures and wants to slit her wrists and make a scene and cause high drama. I was tired of being good and putting on my nice suburban wife face while I bit back words and snarky replies. I wanted to vent and scream.
The loathing is because I DID vent and scream. How horrible am I to take out 5 days worth of angst on my husband, in front of my son, everyone trapped in the minivan ride from HELL?
I really do hate myself. And after being up all night fixing a cosmetic bug in some crappy JSP code, I'm going to be just lovely tomorrow, I'm sure.
Atleast I fixed a leftover turkey casserole for dinner, finished the laundry and returned to being a domestic, coding goddess before hubby and baby went to bed for the night. I doubt that makes up for my 10 minute rant in the car today but atleast I bounced back quickly.
I have this thing called a career. And most of the time, I wish I was just a heads down individual contributor who was told what to do and I would just get to decide how to do it and just get it done. But I spend a lot of my day wrangling with intra-team dependencies, setting expectations and trying to coordinate with others. And because I don't love it, I'll NEVER be a manager. I would rather shoot myself in the head than be a manager. Career limiting as it is, I'd rather stare blankly at my emacs screen than devote my entire day to meetings and email. Though lets face it, I spend most of my days in meetings and email correspondence. Geez! When did my life turn into this?
I finally told my teammates and coworkers that I'm expecting another baby (boy) this coming May/June. And like a typical bunch of engineers, they could care less. Meaning, I work mainly with men and though they may or may not have kids, a coworker taking time off to have a baby is like a "vacation" notice rather than a life changing event. One young man got up enough guts to ask me if having a baby effects my mental faculties. I told him "Yes, it's called mommy-brain. I can't remember anything which is why I wiki everything." Typical mommy thing to do, turn an innocent question into an opportunity to lecture. I loath myself.
I have more loathing. I recently took some time off because my MIL was visiting. And like a typical son of a nagging mother, my husband hid behind his computer and claimed he had a pressing deadline. (This is true of course but I still want to paint the unfair picture anyway. ha-ha) Anyway, the loathing part is that I think I'm supposed to like my MIL. And we survived the visit better than fine. I didn't lose it until we were driving home from the airport. But I totally LOST IT big time in the car trip home. My husband made some comment about how it hurt him that I snorted "Yeah, it is YOUR mother after all." I sort of lost it. I didn't want to play fair, I didn't want to be the bigger person, I didn't want to take the high road. I wanted to be a screaming pouting teenager who hates all authority figures and wants to slit her wrists and make a scene and cause high drama. I was tired of being good and putting on my nice suburban wife face while I bit back words and snarky replies. I wanted to vent and scream.
The loathing is because I DID vent and scream. How horrible am I to take out 5 days worth of angst on my husband, in front of my son, everyone trapped in the minivan ride from HELL?
I really do hate myself. And after being up all night fixing a cosmetic bug in some crappy JSP code, I'm going to be just lovely tomorrow, I'm sure.
Atleast I fixed a leftover turkey casserole for dinner, finished the laundry and returned to being a domestic, coding goddess before hubby and baby went to bed for the night. I doubt that makes up for my 10 minute rant in the car today but atleast I bounced back quickly.
posted by Mommy Coder at
3:11 AM
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