Shaking It Up a Bit
I cracked a couple weeks ago.
I had been sleeping (and still sleep) on the floor of Son #1's room because he loves his room and his bed but "I can't sleep alone." He wasn't falling asleep until midnight for whatever cognitive development reason. But then at 3am my teething toddler would wake up screaming. Then fall back asleep at 4am which left me wide awake to try and TV myself to sleep at 6am to cat-nap before I really had to get up.
Anyway, lack of sleep put me into a deep depression and since I took myself off the Lexapro a little while back (it was making me feel worse, suicidal thoughts, more depression, etc.) I was on my own. I felt like I was failing at everything so I knew I needed a change.
Here is the list of things I did to change my life:
1. I quit my job at my company.
2. I found a new job at a smaller company.
3. I gave up trying to be a part of the Sat AM playgroup I was not attending so that I could sleep in.
4. I found new daycare for BB#2.
5. I can't decide about moving Son #1 to another school but I'm looking into other schools.
Short of moving to a new house (if I had the money I'd do that too) and getting a divorce (still in love so that wouldn't make sense), I've disrupted everything that used to be stable in my life.
#1 is going well. Meaning, I resigned and they didn't quite accept it for over a week. Companies have denial too. I sort of finally put my foot down and asked them if 10/10 can be my last day. It is freeing to leave a company that I still really like but was ready for a change/move-away from.
#2 is a much smaller place and very nice. I'm totally terrified because they aren't a Java house but we'll see how that goes. The company is great and less than 50 people so I think that will fit my work philosophies a little better.
#3 that was a disaster and I'm still traumatized over it. I sort of freaked out and hurt someone feelings and just sort of made some huge social gaffs. Basically, I'm uncomfortable around most women and this was no different. I was awkward and clumsy and I'm still stinging from all the middle school flashbacks of not being popular. Horrible, horrible. I should no better than to try and be friends with people when I know I'm a social disaster.
#4 even worse. Turns out my daycare provided didn't "love" my baby son the way I thought she did. Apparently, she just didn't "like" him. Not because he was difficult but because I took my first son out of there a year earlier than she wanted me to. Then she was surprise inspected, fined for having too many infants, kicked my BB#2 out for a couple months until some of her children turned two. And like an idiot, I still look him back there. Why didn't anyone warn me? Why did she say that she wanted him to come back? Why did she lie to me? Why? Why? Anyway, I'm still trying to recover from this. And I'm still reeling over the fact that at the age of 17 months, my baby has already received his first social slight because his mom made a choice that pissed someone off.
#5 I don't know what I'm doing. My three-year-old goes from "I hate my teachers" to saying how much he likes them and wants to see them tomorrow (tomorrow being Saturday). I just want him to be happy and successful. And I've noticed that if I sleep with him, he has GREAT days at school and as much as I would love to sleep a full night in my own bed, Son #1 having a great day in school is much more important.
ANYWAY, I need to learn a little PHP to become familiar with the technologies at this new gig that I start in a week or so. Kind of terrified but I think it will be a better fit for me. But like I said, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to being a mom, trusting others, and just life management in general.
PS: There is a #6. I made an appointment to talk to a new therapist on Monday evening. And I'm not even sure I can afford it or not. But if she works out, it'll be worth a new pair of shoes, right?
I had been sleeping (and still sleep) on the floor of Son #1's room because he loves his room and his bed but "I can't sleep alone." He wasn't falling asleep until midnight for whatever cognitive development reason. But then at 3am my teething toddler would wake up screaming. Then fall back asleep at 4am which left me wide awake to try and TV myself to sleep at 6am to cat-nap before I really had to get up.
Anyway, lack of sleep put me into a deep depression and since I took myself off the Lexapro a little while back (it was making me feel worse, suicidal thoughts, more depression, etc.) I was on my own. I felt like I was failing at everything so I knew I needed a change.
Here is the list of things I did to change my life:
1. I quit my job at my company.
2. I found a new job at a smaller company.
3. I gave up trying to be a part of the Sat AM playgroup I was not attending so that I could sleep in.
4. I found new daycare for BB#2.
5. I can't decide about moving Son #1 to another school but I'm looking into other schools.
Short of moving to a new house (if I had the money I'd do that too) and getting a divorce (still in love so that wouldn't make sense), I've disrupted everything that used to be stable in my life.
#1 is going well. Meaning, I resigned and they didn't quite accept it for over a week. Companies have denial too. I sort of finally put my foot down and asked them if 10/10 can be my last day. It is freeing to leave a company that I still really like but was ready for a change/move-away from.
#2 is a much smaller place and very nice. I'm totally terrified because they aren't a Java house but we'll see how that goes. The company is great and less than 50 people so I think that will fit my work philosophies a little better.
#3 that was a disaster and I'm still traumatized over it. I sort of freaked out and hurt someone feelings and just sort of made some huge social gaffs. Basically, I'm uncomfortable around most women and this was no different. I was awkward and clumsy and I'm still stinging from all the middle school flashbacks of not being popular. Horrible, horrible. I should no better than to try and be friends with people when I know I'm a social disaster.
#4 even worse. Turns out my daycare provided didn't "love" my baby son the way I thought she did. Apparently, she just didn't "like" him. Not because he was difficult but because I took my first son out of there a year earlier than she wanted me to. Then she was surprise inspected, fined for having too many infants, kicked my BB#2 out for a couple months until some of her children turned two. And like an idiot, I still look him back there. Why didn't anyone warn me? Why did she say that she wanted him to come back? Why did she lie to me? Why? Why? Anyway, I'm still trying to recover from this. And I'm still reeling over the fact that at the age of 17 months, my baby has already received his first social slight because his mom made a choice that pissed someone off.
#5 I don't know what I'm doing. My three-year-old goes from "I hate my teachers" to saying how much he likes them and wants to see them tomorrow (tomorrow being Saturday). I just want him to be happy and successful. And I've noticed that if I sleep with him, he has GREAT days at school and as much as I would love to sleep a full night in my own bed, Son #1 having a great day in school is much more important.
ANYWAY, I need to learn a little PHP to become familiar with the technologies at this new gig that I start in a week or so. Kind of terrified but I think it will be a better fit for me. But like I said, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to being a mom, trusting others, and just life management in general.
PS: There is a #6. I made an appointment to talk to a new therapist on Monday evening. And I'm not even sure I can afford it or not. But if she works out, it'll be worth a new pair of shoes, right?
posted by Mommy Coder at
5:51 AM
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