Crazy Mood Swings

Yes, the exhaustion and crazy mood swings are back. Most of the time I hate my husband and I tell him that I won't have any more children with him and that I hate being married to him and that I want a divorce. Yep, crazy. I think I need the Lexapro sooner this time around.

Don't get me wrong. Post-partum stuff is just wacko. All these hormones and chemicals in your body trying to get flushed out while you attempt to breastfeed. If you've never done it, it's like someone sticking a million needles into your nipples. And yes, I want to scream in pain everytime baby latches on. This pain doesn't last but the beginning is hella painful. I'm on motrin now (I refuse to take anything stronger) but can't wait til all this breast pain goes away.

The baby is damned cute though. I get to cuddle and kiss him a lot. I'm totally in love. With the baby. Remember, I hate my husband even though the kitchen is spotless, he makes sure I get to eat and shower and nap, he takes care of our toddler. What's to hate you ask? Oh everything because he's always wrong. There is no way a man can be right just two weeks after giving birth. (I'm lucky he is patient though he has the nerve to try and remind me that I was this psycho after the first baby was born too....is he just asking for trouble or what?)

That's right. Being pregnant you get this great prize of a cute baby in the end but the side effects are PSYCHO moody wife who hates you. Don't worry. It doesn't last. And the drugs help. But the poor man has to convince me that 1. I need the drugs. 2. He's right. Yeah, well, good luck with that....

Sunnyside Up, Doula and Losing Weight Goal

Baby Boy #2 arrived last week. You probably could tell from my post about waiting.

He arrived just before midnight. I only pushed for 40 mins and I didn't need the suction thingie. He was sunnyside up so it was sort of cool when my doula was like "Open your eyes!" and I could see my son face to face as he was making his entrance into the world. They said if he was any bigger they would have done a c-section to get him out.

I can't say enough great things about my doula. She makes being the delivery room like a social event; she knows all the nurses and she's got four children so she's got stories. And she's very experienced (and pretty) and very down to earth.

We used the same doula when Baby Boy #1 was born. After pushing for 2 hours, we had to use the suction thingie. He was a little bigger than his younger sibbling. But I think the key difference this time was that I sort of "knew" how to push. That seems so odd but your body has this incredible memory for things that you might no know about.

I got to the hospital well before the last phase of labor started. (With BB1, I was only there for 20 mins before I started pushing -- everything was fast and insane.) I got an epi. It was different from the last time. Last time, the epi was only just potent enough and I could feel my legs and stuff no problem. This time, since I got tapped well before I began to push, my legs actually felt numb/tingly and I worried that I wouldn't be able to feel my contractions. Yeah, well after my water broke, I definitely felt the contractions (no pain though) and I was able to push out the baby without any help from a contraption. That was a big deal for me. I had been feeling guilty about not pushing out BB1 without some help. Yeah....silly thought. But moms think about these sorts of guilt things all the time. And even though I'm usually good at dismissing things, I'm not always perfect. *grin*

Everyone is home now and doing great. My husband is once again being extraordinary by taking care of our toddler and KEEPING the kitchen SPOTLESS! Yes, even I'm having a hard time believing my eyes but it's true. BB1 is so sweet to the baby. He actually wanted to hold him today so we sat on the could together and I put the baby on his lap. I'm always so proud of my 20 month old when he does something so big-kid-like when he's barely out of his own babyhood. My poor little dog (whom I love so much) isn't getting as much love as he'd like but he's a patient little dog. If the weather weren't so hot, I'd take him for a walk everyday with the baby.

I have to lose this pouch I'm left with since I have to be a bridesmaid in July....That's my next goal. So here's my first weigh in: 135.5 lbs OH MY! OK, how about I try to lose 10-15 lbs to fit in the bridesmaid dress? I bought it two sizes bigger so even if I'm not down to my "regular" size, I can still fit it. I have until July 1st to get my weight down so that I can go for an alteration. I'm not even going to try on the dress until I've lost some weight. I have this round pouch that still makes me look PG. And if this doesn't work, I'm going to try Spanx which I keep seeing at Nordies or some other kind of gut-buster under garment.

Normally, I would NOT care at all about losing the weight but my vanity in wanting to look semi-normal for this wedding in July...yes, it's vanity! I do NOT plan to do this by dieting or changing my food habits in any particular way. I plan to do this by walking an hour a day (or shopping for two hours a day *grin*) or some other physical activity that won't stress my body (or stitches). Hello Peanut Shell, good-bye pounds!

Eight Things You Didn't Know About Me

I've never been tagged before. Mary Tsao of Mom Writes tagged me for this meme so I'll give it a go. (I don't know anyone in the community yet so I don't think I'll tag someone.)

1. I delivered a my second baby boy last week. He was sunny-side up! And yes, that means more stitches.

2. I was born in Seoul, Korean but was raised in the Philadelphia area since I was two and a half.

3. I saw my younger sister being born on the living room floor of our apartment when I was 3.

4. Though I've studied Computer Science, I actually don't hold a degree in it. My BA was a double major in Cognitive Science (cs, psych, phil and linguistics) and Economics.

5. I went to Wellesley College. Some folks think I went to MIT but really all I did at MIT was party a lot and hang out at TDC. And I did take classes at UC Berkeley but I don't have a degree from there.

6. Yes, I have a tatoo.

7. Yes, this is my second marriage but my first set of children.

8. Call me old fashioned but Sisters of Mercy is still my favorite band with KMFDM as a close second.

Waiting....Any Moment Now

I'm waiting for either my bag of waters to break or serious active contractions. I think I only have a couple hours more to go....

Yesterday morning, my OB checked me. 3-4cm and 70%. Then she did the "thing". Strips my membrane. She did that the last time. I remember wanting to smack her because it hurt. She gave me one look at said when her OB did that to her, she wanted to punch her. My OB gets it. She's had two kids.

As predicted, non-active labor contractions started about a day later.

Since 4am, I've been having these contractions, nothing serious yet. And I lost my mucus plug at 11:30am. This is just like last time. Except this time, I know what's coming and I've decided to make my last checkin well before my bag of waters breaks and true active labor starts. Last time, I was dumb and I continued to progress at home, sitting on the couch, working remotely. Yeah, yeah, well how was I supposed to know that I would only labor 4 hours?

This time I know. And I'm sort of going stir crazy. I think I'll "work" but not let anyone know. I'm bored sitting here just waiting for things to progress. And there is only so much online shopping and reading mommy blogs this coder-girl can do without going bonkers.

Don't worry. I won't check anything in....I'll wait til AFTER I come home from the hospital.

Happy Monday

I'm in a great mood....which I suppose is semi-rare this late in preggy discomfort. So I'm going to try and list what might be the cause of this cheerfulness.

1. I started WFH until the baby arrives. I didn't shower until AFTER dinner tonight and still put in a good days worth of work. No meetings! Which leads to ....

2. I got to write some code and get stuff working! I so need that to feel extra good. It's like a fix for a junkie.

3. Sunkist. I love orange soda. And I usually swear off caffine but I bought myself a 2 liter bottle today to keep in my fridge and I told myself I'll have just one glass a day. My good mood might just be a deprived preggy body on some sugary, caffinated uppers.

4. I actually ran some errands. Dropped off mail (with proper postage!) and sent package, picked up dry cleaning, and bought groceries for tonight and tomorrows dinner.

5. Had two great, quick phone chats today. Got a call from my mom today and we didn't disolve into an argument. That's a biggie. And my oldest and dearest friend gave me a ring to see how I was doing. (Too bad a work IM -- Instant Message -- cut our conversation short but it still made me happy to hear from her.)

6. Cooked dinner! It can happen. But I actually timed things well so that no one was starving by the time dinner was ready. And little boy actually ate some of his dinner. (Granted he dipped everything he ate into his glass of orange juice like his ear of corn but he did eat it.)

7. Little boy went into his room quietly at 9pm again with no mama or dada. Wow. That's two nights in a row. I must stop counting else jinx myself.

8. Laundry folded and more in the washer. Only had to ask husband once to take all the dirty laundry into the garage.

9. Only had to ask husband once to gather all the trash for trash pick up tomorrow.

10. Husband still gave me a kiss before I lost him to WOW (World of Warcraft). I guess I get to code more and blog a little.

Wow. What a great day. Oh I guess the other thing that might have put me in a good mood is yummy preggy hormones and that thought that I'm going to have this baby ANY day now.

Hope all my and your Mondays are this happy!

Happy Mothers Day!

Wow! I had a great day. No presents or cards but I got TIME TO MYSELF! How cool is that?

I woke up before my son this morning and had some WFH (work from home) time; IM with a coworker, work on a component test, etc. Then had a leisurely breakfast of yogurt with my little boy as we waited for Daddy to wake up. Then we went to Hobbies to sign up for an hour long wait. So we put our names down and ran an errand to BRU (babies r us) and back. My son had a great lunch of scrambled eggs and whole wheat toast. After getting home, my husband says I can go get a pedicure! So I run off to do that. And on the way home I call in to see if all is well and if I can go do some errand shopping (need to by a baby girl gift for friend). And he says yes. And that shopping trip extended into some shoes and cute post-baby clothing for me! How *sweet* is that?

My son actually ate the rice, meat and green beans that I made for dinner. (OK, he didn't eat as much as I would have liked but watching your kid stuff a green bean into his mouth is always a good thing.) And now I'm blogging and coding because my son actually went to bed at 9 o'clock and fell asleep on his own without needing a parent in the room to help settle him down.

I'm the happiest mommy coder evar!

Happy Mothers Day!

Wow! I had a great day. No presents or cards but I got TIME TO MYSELF! How cool is that?

I woke up before my son this morning and had some WFH (work from home) time; IM with a coworker, work on a component test, etc. Then had a leisurely breakfast of yogurt with my little boy as we waited for Daddy to wake up. Then we went to Hobbies to sign up for an hour long wait. So we put our names down and ran an errand to BRU (babies r us) and back. My son had a great lunch of scrambled eggs and whole wheat toast. After getting home, my husband says I can go get a pedicure! So I run off to do that. And on the way home I call in to see if all is well and if I can go do some errand shopping (need to by a baby girl gift for friend). And he says yes. And that shopping trip extended into some shoes and cute post-baby clothing for me! How *sweet* is that?

My son actually ate the rice, meat and green beans that I made for dinner. (OK, he didn't eat as much as I would have liked but watching your kid stuff a green bean into his mouth is always a good thing.) And now I'm blogging and coding because my son actually went to bed at 9 o'clock and fell asleep on his own without needing a parent in the room to help settle him down.

I'm the happiest mommy coder evar!

In Love with Son(s)

OK, 37 weeks and in a matter of days, I'll have another little baby boy. When I was pregnant with my first son, I was terrified. Growing up with just a sister, I didn't know anything about boys. My husband grew up in a family of three boys. How did we ever get together? Or stay together? Here's a great example of boy behaviour vs. girl behaviour.

One morning after having a semi-humorous debate that I won, I went to take a shower. In the middle of my cozy morning shower, the door opens and I am doused with a cup of COLD water. Who does that kind of thing to express themselves? Boys.

I read this collection of essays called "It's a Boy". It was good to read that other moms had the same sort of fearful reaction about raising someone of the opposite gender. Now that I have a loving little boy, I'm more terrified of having a girl.

It's a mystery to me why my son prefers to snuggle me and wants me and sometimes just refuses his daddy. My husband is GREAT with him and very loving and cuddly and plays with my son all the time. But still, my snuggly guys wants his mommy. And I have to admit as I blog while he's still asleep, I miss him already and can't wait til he wakes up, cranky but totally needing his mommy snuggles. Oh, I hear him! Better run!

Technologist I am Not

I actually don't think of myself as creative. I'm an execution person, not a vision person. I admire and like vision people. I need to be around them. But I'm not one of them. Just an appreciator of vision people.

Knowing this about myself makes me somewhat shy or reserved in the world of men and software. Men and women are different.

There are so many studies about boys and girls and the major of Computer Science. Why don't more girls go into it? Or stay in it? I've read so many studies. The funny thing is that most of these studies show that it's not about technical ability or aptitude. It's about attitude. Boys/Men are more confident about their abilities (sometimes to the point of inaccuracy) while girls/women are more insecure and often rate themselves at a lower than the truth. This is one of many findings that I found surprising. There are more if you look for study write ups.

But here's my solo-mio perspective on it. I think it's more about what men and women like to talk about for fun. Yes, I mean for fun. I remember when I started taking formal computer science classes sometime after college. Oh I had been part of the Math Team and the Computer Team in high school (yes, one of two girls) and I'd been "coding" since middle school. But I just don't front that. And I went to a women's college because my mom made me (I'll blog about that some other day). But I had a lot of college friends who went to a very fancy tech school. And I hung out a lot at a frat at that very fancy tech school. So basically, the guys don't view me as someone technical, well because I don't front that.

Anyway, most of my formal CS training/schooling comes from post-BA. And one of these guy friends from college turned to me and said "Hey, now we can geek-talk with you." Um, really? You think you can? What makes you think I like to geek-talk? Can't we go back to talking about beer or TV? Just because I code that doesn't mean I want to spend my social life talking about code. Or does it?

Anyway, so I watch all these guys/men I admire, both socially and in the work place. And they start going down some tech speak....and I'm sort of not into it. I used to feel sort of ashamed. You know, all the "smart people" are talking and I'd rather talk about TV or some goofy thing we all did while we were in college.

I think it might be career limiting that I don't "tech talk" for fun. Mainly because the people who are in positions above me are usually men and men like to talk and be opinionated about technology. They like to debate it. And honestly, I don't know a lot of women to like to debate ANYTHING. And the women who do (meaning they express themselves passionately about something-or-other) well, other women sort of look at them like "Whoa!" I'm serious.

Sometimes I feel like I can't win. Either I'm lonely for women friends and barrel forward with opinions and thoughts about tech or I'm regarded as "not one of the tech boys" because I'd rather hear "how things are going with you?".

Working Mom Does NOT Equal Ambitious Mom

I went to one of those all women's colleges on the East Coast. Seriously, my mom made me go. She thought that it would make me more lady-like. Don't ask. Korean immigrant moms especially in the 70s-80s era have some wacky notions. ANYWAY....I had this Spanish professor who was chair of the department, taught a full schedule and had twin school age boys who played soccer that she actually went to their games. And it dawned on me. She's one of those mythical Super Women! And when this hit me, I started to feel this incredible pressure....Am I supposed to be a Super Woman too? I go to this fancy school of all women; we are supposed to be smart and successful according to our pedigree (meaning my alma mater). Ahhh....the pressure!

Actually, I dismissed it. I'm not really the kind of person who falls victim to outside influence to drive my needs and desires. (Only slightly dishonest in that I take feedback well and try to incorporate it but I don't think of that as nebulous "outside influence".) Anyway, I've always wanted to grow up to be content. And as an angst driven teen, that seemed like it would be hard enough to achieve without all this Super Woman stuff thrown on top. Keep your eye on the goal! The Goal: BE HAPPY!

It's surprising how hard it is to be happy for some people. For me the biggest revelation was this whole "learn your boundaries" thing that I credit my therapist with after my divorce. And it didn't have to do with my ex-husband. It had to do with my family. Once I learned that I needed to take care of me first and let my immigrant parents be adults and my younger sister be an adult, I really became more happy and stable. And less frustrated! Yes, I paid someone to teach me to let go of the sheer frustration of not being able to influence change in anything I wanted.

OK, so where am I going with this? Once you have children, there is this whole work or stay-at-home thing that I put in the bucket of "outside influence". There are books and magazine articles and social pressure in BOTH directions. It's insane. And what do I do? I dismiss it. I figure I have enough of the BE HAPPY goal to work on that who cares if I work or stay-at-home. My kids aren't going to grow up to be happy if I don't know set some kind of example.

I work (and it's voluntary in that we could financially figure things out so that I don't have to work). I'm a Tech Lead or a Senior Software Engineer. Sounds fancy, right? Well, here's the thing. I don't want to be more (or less). I have the job, title and position that I think I'm best suited for. I have no aspirations to manage; I don't want to change into a different role like going into Product or Project Management. I want status quo. Well, isn't that the same as having no ambition? Sure I work but I don't have any career goals (other than to not quit my job when the work environment frustrates me). So I don't think being a working mom means that you have ambition. Maybe for some but definitely NOT for me.

If I have any ambition, it would be that I have the desire and ambition to be a better house keeper and enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Boy, I have these thought experiments about keeping a tidy house, cooking dinner every night, planting flower beds, and taking my children to classes and playdates and whatever else the hip-suburban-SAHM crowd does. Heck, I'd love to be a hip-anything-mom. *grin* But these aren't really thought experiments. They are imaginings of someone else's life, not mine.

I don't even work for identity (as some sociologists might speculate). I work like I watch TV, because I like it and find it entertaining to do so.

So you moms out there: Don't let anyone pressure you or call you names! Selfish if you work; unambitious if you stay at home. It's a load of crap....err, poop! You've heard it all before. Women have been hearing this sort of judgmental "studies have shown" stuff forever! Bottom line is that if you are looking for a justification for your life choices, how about just plain "It makes me happy to live just like this."